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Frank Staub submits the following for our group to follow this year:
New Rules of Play for Next Year
Finally, we have the proper "Senior's Golf Rules"
Rule #1 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule #2 A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.
Rule #3 There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule #4 If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in, it's deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule #5 Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule #6 There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule #7 There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule #8 Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment. FORE!!!
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Ed,
I thought maybe your readers would get a kick out of this. I got it from one of my golf buddies.
Lloyd Bergstrom
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee.
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 7 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - Crying and How to Handle it
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse or Girlfriend Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 -When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
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Dick Burkard thinks all of us in the senior golf league can relate to this:
ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)
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Here's a cartoon sent in by Gordon Pearson:
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Subject: Golf and Perspective
The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football
or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper
perspective.
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play, go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following truisms may shed some light:
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.
The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.
Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
And Finally (... I personally cannot testify to the accuracy of the "History" cited below ...) :
Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.
Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?
During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out
Golf observations from Bill Gougé:
The Law of Physics States........
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.
Here's some cartoons that Dub Brown sent in:
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
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The Sale
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Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom
over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger
breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
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Pessimistic Friend
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend, "He can't swim."
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THE CLIMATE
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
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Five Bucks
A man is walking around New York with his wife.
They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.
A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy? "
"For how much?" asks the man.
"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.
"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.
The hooker swears at him and walks away.
A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk.
As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look
at the man and his wife and says, "HA! -- see what you get for five bucks?"
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Army Tactics
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During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck
in the mud.
The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
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Alcohol
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A preacher is teaching a lesson on the evils of alcohol to a fourth
grade Sunday School class. To illustrate his point he places two
glasses on the lectern where everyone can see, and puts a live worm in
each one. He describes what he is doing as he continues. He next
fills one glass with water and the other with alcohol. The latter
worm rather quickly dies, while the former continues to wiggle
happily. "Now what does this teach us about alcohol?" the preacher
asks. One little freckle face in the front row says, "If you drink
whiskey, you won't have worms..??"
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Fine Work
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Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift
when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey,
who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage,
" Hey DeBakey...Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, " So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work ? "
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris,....."Try doing your work with the engine running. "
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The Clintons
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Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's
hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station
for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas
into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into
the passenger window.
"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary.
"You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him, "he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies,
"Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President.
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The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
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Photo Shoot
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The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too
thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home
office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
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There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
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Science Class
------------
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
5th grade class a lesson about the evils of
liquor, so he produced an experiment that
involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey,
and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said
the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a
worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It
writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom,
dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we
derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
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A 60 year-old couple was celebrating their 40 years of marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared! "Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish."
The wife quickly chimed in, "I want to travel around the world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF! He was 90...
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Martini Man
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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When
the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
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Gotta Have Faith
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There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a
cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the
monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the
top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed
that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With
trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the
basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a
moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
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Americans!!
US Naval Communications
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October,1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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Marriage Requires Teamwork!
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
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