*********************************************************
THREE SHORT FUNNIES
She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd even been
discovered with the smoking gun still in her hand. During his
summation, her lawyer pleaded for mercy on the basis that the
lady was now a widow.
***
A lawyer soliciting a potential client told the man he got his
last three clients suspended. What he didn't mention was that
they were all hung.
***
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked
whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over
again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
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MORE EVIDENCE THAT THIS WORLD IS FULL OF COMPLETE IDIOTS
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old
man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two
(counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his
49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him,
while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's
head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect
safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging
the use of safety goggles on the job. According to
Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers
suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening
room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven
stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating
one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,
fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to
complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13
years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took
the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it
reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a
few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized
his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a
suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia,
Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated
robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still
refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of
walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph
chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the
vehicle to a stop.
************************
TRUE STORY
Earlier this summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, a fellow new to boating was having a problem. No
matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get his brand new 22-ft Bayliner
to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power he supplied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, he putted over to a nearby
marina. Maybe they could tell him what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
A True story.
******************************
BRITAIN'S OLDEST WOMAN DIES AT 114
Britain's oldest woman, who had a passion for knitting clothes, has
died at the age of 114. Lucy Askew died in her sleep at a residential
home Tuesday. "I understand that she was very much with it right up
until the end. She used to knit and knit and knit," said her local
vicar, the Rev. David Broomfield. Last year she sent her brother
Frank a card to celebrate his 100th birthday. He died earlier this
year.
SEVERED PENIS RISES UP WITH HELP OF HELIUM BALLOON
A jealous Thai wife cut off her husband's penis in a northeastern
town, tied it to a helium-filled balloon and let it fly off, police on
Monday quoted the victim as saying. A bleeding rickshaw rider, Prayoon
Eklang, 47, was rushed to the hospital Sunday when he woke up to
discover his angry wife's handiwork. "I woke up and ran looking for it
but a neighbor said my wife had already tied it to a balloon and let
it fly away," he told police. His wife escaped from the scene and is
now being sought, police said.
DRUG COURIER SWALLOWS 77 CONDOMS WITH COCAINE
South African police said Wednesday they arrested a drug courier who
had swallowed 77 condoms stuffed with cocaine. The suspect, on a
Monday flight to Johannesburg from Sao Paulo in Brazil, had hidden
2.65 pounds of cocaine worth about $76,000.
ARGENTINE CAPITAL LIFTS GAY 'LOVE MOTEL' BAN
A new city ordinance has lifted a ban that prohibited gay couples from
frequenting pay-by-the-hour "love motels" in the Argentine capital.
Buenos Aires Mayor Fernando de la Rua, who earlier this year backed
the ban, said he did not veto the new ordinance out of respect for
"the free sexuality" of city residents. De la Rua in May had said gay
couples using the motels was "a crazy idea ... the world gone topsy
turvy." The motels are popular in Argentina among young couples who
still live at home, people having affairs and men with prostitutes.
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If you have any comments or suggestions, please write to me at:
edmatarrese@juno.com / revised May 5, 1999. Thank you for the visit.
